What’s Old is New Again

I turned 42 today.

I’m not particularly bothered by this, getting older is the one thing every one of us has in common, might as well embrace it.

Instead of lamenting the passage of time, I like to take the day and think about the year past, taking note of the highs and the lows, a gentle reminder to keep focused on what’s working and what needs work.

For whatever reason this year I find myself consumed by thoughts of long-forgotten struggle.

As I walked by a sign earlier for fresh bagels, I was reminded of how I used to sprint to the Great Canadian Bagel shop on Wednesday nights, for half prices bagels. Knowing that if I didn’t make it, or they were sold out, I wouldn’t be able to afford enough food for the week.

I can’t recall the last time I worried about not being able to eat.

Then, just a few minutes ago, someone I casually mentor messaged and asked for some advice, and it flashed me back to when I used to make that kind of call. In my early 20s, I was so green and so eager to learn, desperate for every moment I could get from the people I now think of as my mentors.

How times have changed.

Lastly, I had a workout this morning where I lifted more weight than I’ve ever before in my life been able to handle. Yet I remember so clearly what it was like to have a younger body, one that recovered so quickly from injury, and didn’t creak at every movement.

Youth is wasted on the young, clearly.

It’s amazing to look back and see so much progress, to have so much understanding of what is possible and the focus and reach to make it so.

Yet, I wouldn’t in a million years ever tell you that I know what I’m doing. That I have things figured out or that I am ready to settle into my life.

I’m demonstrably older ( so much grey hair ), wiser ( a little ), I’ve seen and done a lot in forty two years and am blessed enough not to have to worry about a lot of things that trouble others.

But I still wake up most days to an inner monologue that yells at me to get going, get moving, get learning, get stronger, get better, if anything it’s getting louder.

So I have to ask, is this the mind of a man getting closer to the end than the beginning, or is this what it’s like to know what you want and who you are, even if who you are is unsettled and still growing?